Why do we do it? Why do we want so much to have babies, knowing how fragile life is? If just one wrong thing occurs during development they may have neurological problems, physical disabilities or may not even survive past the womb. But yet, knowing all that, still we create.
We roll the dice.
Why?
Is it that primal urge…the survival of the species? For most of us, the inclination to reproduce, bear our young, hits us at one point in our lives and is all-consuming. Us women obsess about our cycles, when we ovulate, what’s the best time to go at it…and get upset if our monthly visitor arrives. The emotional strain of not being able to conceive can be devastating.
We want to roll that dice. To see our child, a piece of ourselves, go out and captivate the world. We want to experience hugs and kisses and late night melodies sung to a beautiful baby when the rest of the world is still. We want to be their center, their universe…and they will be ours.
When our children are born happy and healthy, we continue to worry. We worry about SIDS, we worry about the stairs, our children running away from us into traffic, or a car hitting them on their bike. Pedophiles.
As they grow, there is more that we can worry about. When they start to drive a car are they careful enough? Will they drive drunk…or be on the road at the wrong time when other people drive drunk? We worry about their emotional well-being. Will other people take advantage of them, use them and play hard and fast with their feelings.
Worry, worry, worry.
Maybe we didn’t know with our first child just how all consuming it was. How we stress over their colds and if they don’t sleep enough, eat enough or play enough. Yet, we have another child, knowing all this.
We roll the dice again.
Will this child be born healthy? If not, how will we cope? Is it better to know what may happen before they are born or just face that adversity afterwards? Tests, tests, tests…so many tests. Are they right? Are they sure?
How would I survive their loss? How would I recover?
Those last questions are ones we hope we never have to answer. Unfortunately, some parents do…and my heart breaks for them.
I fret occasionally over the loss of one of my children but I have to trust that the universe will take care of them as well as I do. I can’t waste my energy worrying about things I have absolutely no control over.
My second child was born with a condition requiring surgery on his skull, that changed my thoughts about rolling the dice one more time. No deal, I’m blessed with the two healthy kids I have and come what may- I’ll take it all.
Sitting at the table with the dice in my hand was the scariest part for me the first time. Until I saw the two pink lines…then the real worrying started–and has yet to end. The worries get bigger and scarier and more consuming. Sending an infant in to surgery with her momma was probably the scariest day of my life. But there were people–an amazing doctor, an amazing husband and father, great nurses–there to hold me up. So, even when the numbers aren’t in your favor, you’ve got to have faith that those around you will help you and you’ve got to be vulnerable enough to accept their support.
Thankfully, your friends have you to hold them up. You are strong and kind.
Natalie
((hugs))
A bit depressing lately aren’t I??
Thank you ladies for the hugs and the thoughts. I try not to think too hard on the loss of one of my children. I KNOW that I would be devestated, but don’t let it overtake my emotions. We need to love them EVERY DAY. They are our gift while they walk this Earth and we need to treat them that way.
Jen, that is pretty much our thoughts…we’ve rolled the dice and have two healthy kids, so that is IT for us. We’re lucky, so let’s put the dice away! Sorry to hear your little one had to have surgery…that must have been so scary.
Natalie, Also another surgery? Sorry M had to go through that, too. I can’t imagine how worried you mommas were when you had to watch your babies go into surgery.